Categories
Journal The Meanings of Everyday Life

Clearing the Dungeon: Telling New Stories with Old Tools in Dungeons and Dragons

Years of playing Dungeons and Dragons has taught me a very simple lesson about creativity: good work is original, great work is theft. Sure, we don’t use that word, we use other words like “inspiration” or “homage.” Writers give credit to their “influences” and songwriters their muses, but at the end of the day, it boils down to the same end. The act of making something up, the soul of creativity, is not some naturally occurring wellspring of an individual’s genius, but the ability to synthesize the world around us by stealing from so many different sources at once that the alloy is unrecognizable. It’s not our fault. Humans as a rule are just bad at making things up. We’re relative creatures. Sue us.   

In this magnificent tradition of creative licensing, the framework of Dungeons and Dragons is truly a master criminal. Like the fantasy epics of Howard and Tolkien that spawned it, Dungeons and Dragons steals anything that isn’t nailed down, drawing from centuries of diverse folklore, myths and histories. Those that disdain Tabletop RPGs or the epic fantasy genre it mimics will still recognize a unicorn, or a genie, or even a rakshasa, as they are drawn from millennia of storytelling traditions that span across cultural divides. This theft does not seek to diminish its various source materials, but seeks to bring together a glorious font of ingredients with which millions of new players can tell stories of their own, building with the familiar to create and share something new. 

As a teenager, the historical and mythological foundations of fantasy prompted me to explore curiosities and passions I would never have imagined for myself. I got into the habit of spending up to four hours every week being challenged to create a story, and like any good writer, this forced an examination of the world around me to see what I could nick without alarms going off.  My love of history, storytelling, performance, and writing are facets of my personality which were honed and explored while sitting around a table rolling oddly shaped dice with my friends, trying to come up with cool stuff to say. I was tricked into  not only paying attention to the world around me, but to then directly engage with it through revision, shaping and editing tropes and cliches to fit my own tastes (or to get the most sincere “Nice” from my friends). It was this process which got me to realize I had tastes, and through the safe refuge of camaraderie and fantasy, I could discover and test what, or who, I wanted to be.

This never-ending process of stealing and refining (what Pete Seeger referred to as the “folk process”) comes with its own risks, however, specifically when you have taken a little bit more than you bargained for. Just like a panicked Game Master calling a goblin “Boblin,” the sources that games like D&D have drawn from did not always make the most responsible of choices. Tolkien himself, in an attempt to make exotic new forms of life, heisted his inspiration not just from Nordic sagas, but also the fairly horrifying racialized worldview of his time, defining his “others” in terms his audience could understand. While this is most infamously evident in the use of Jewish stereotypes in the depictions of dwarves, perhaps just as telling is how important racial divides became in the fantasy genre in his wake. Countless properties have split sentient species into “good” races and “bad” races, with such sharp distinctions of intelligence, morality, and temperament that it seems almost natural that every fantasy world is divided along racial lines

The consequences of this narrative become even more nauseating when one steps out of the realm of the dated fantastical and into even the most contemporary of political or scientific discourse. We are still tangling with the legacy of pseudosciences like phrenology and eugenics, which sought to stratify human society through a biologically-inspired caste system built on the foundational belief that some people were just not really full people. These discredited attempts to grant racial stereotyping scientific legitimacy were themselves a “creative adjustment” to preserve systems of inequality by wrapping them in the virtue of enlightened logic, but we can see just how perniciously they’ve clung to our culture in debates surrounding public education and policing. In the question of nature versus nurture, there are implications no matter where you stand on the political spectrum, and the tropes of fantasy demonstrate for us a vision of racial hierarchy that is overwhelmingly black-and-white. This makes for convenient storytelling, as slaying a villain is much more gratifying when they are not really like us, but that story is told too often in the real world to comfortably get into the practice of suspending that particular disbelief.      

D&D has historically taken this unfortunate tic of modern fantasy and doubled down, codifying the various racial distinctions of orcs, elves and halflings into stark numerical values–a hierarchization that my friends and I refer to as “radical fantasy racism.” Orcs are stronger, but dumber, and tend not to be orderly.  Elves are better than everyone in every way, and goblins are feral, greedy bastards. These lazy tropes are not the point of the game, but rather the tools that players use because those are all they know. These tropes were not designed to be interrogated; how could they be? While some do seek to exploit the realms of imagination for terrestrial gain (see the new prime minister of Italy), for the most part, these connections are far beyond the scope or interest of those that take comfort in the game. These tools of storytelling were passed down from people with different givens and different ends, and yet nostalgia and laziness have codified the dreams of ethno-nationalists from a hundred years ago into the very language of our wildest imagination. Their racialized worldview has profoundly shaped the kind of stories we think of as possible.  

Luckily, D&D has a sizable advantage over its source material in that it is a living thing. The game’s explosion of popularity–concomitant with the rise of the internet and the destigmatization of countercultures it brought about–has introduced a wave of new blood into a culture that had remained overwhelmingly male, white, and largely isolated from other communities for decades after D&D’s  creation. Wizards of the Coast has committed itself to tackling some of the game’s darker legacies, and queer expression has become a hallmark of D&D’s resurgence among a more diverse audience. But while some new creators of Tabletop RPGs are making a genuine effort to relax the legal definition of racial categories and its centrality to the stories it is possible to tell, other corners of the TTRPG sphere see such considerations as adaptations to the latest political trend that spoil their refuge. 

Since the days of the satanic panic and Revenge of the Nerds, D&D has broken full tilt into the mainstream, enjoying all the exposure and enthusiasm of generations raised on The Lord of the Rings and the Marvel Cinematic Universe, with little to no stigma attached to these “nerdy” interests. With the decentralizing of culture brought about the never-ending content factory that is the internet, nerdom is now hip, and D&D is discussed openly by celebrities and played on streams watched by millions of people.  This new popularity brings in new perspectives that prove what can be an uncomfortable truth: imagination has never been timeless, and every story changes based on who tells it, and who is listening. More people are telling stories now, and they are using the toolbox of D&D to help them.

Despite the progress that has been made, however, it is still difficult to imagine a future for the fantasy genre that is completely divorced from its historic roots. Slaying the dragon, getting the treasure, and leveling up are going to take precedence over arguing the socio-political implications of the dragon-slaying-to-riches pipeline every time. But isn’t that a good thing? You can’t extract every problematic element from Dungeons and Dragons just like you can’t only reflect your best side in a mirror. We are made of all the parts of us, and that goes for stories as well as people. The value of escapism is that it’s never total. We bring ourselves into everything we make: our experiences, our hopes, our fears. The framework of collaborative storytelling gives us a unique opportunity not merely to escape the worst of our society, but to grapple with it in a way that allows us to cope. Encoded in our creative DNA are the assumptions made by those long dead, but we aren’t beholden to respect anyone else’s theft over our own. Don’t like it? Steal it, and make something new. 

Categories
Journal Social Technologies

I’ve Been Annoying Online for a Long Time & This Is What I Have to Show for It

I’m in 7th grade. My first tweet is, “I got a 98 on my Hebrew test!” 

It seems like a good thing to tweet.

My Instagram username is Got2BeU after my favorite One Direction song, “Got To Be You.” I comment a fake story about getting pantsed in PE on a story time account’s post calling for embarrassing story submissions. It picks a winner from the comments. The winner is me. Awesome. I go to Disneyland and take a picture next to a poster of Cinderella. I post it on Instagram with the caption “twinningggg.” (Sure, I was blonde with an evil stepmother and awful stepsiblings, but I think Cinderella is a lot nicer than I was. And I’m scared of mice.) 

I post a video of me singing Disney princess impersonations on Youtube wearing DIY costumes. My account name is CircusDoll321. That’s because I did circus at my weird arts camp. My friend Lyndsi finds it and shows everyone at school. Not awesome. 

I’m in early high school. I’m well known in the metro Atlanta teen community for being funny on Twitter. (The only reason I say this is because one random dude at the one random party I attended told me I was funny on Twitter.) I steal at least 25% of the jokes I tweet from Tumblr. But the rest are me. Like when I tweet at midnight on New Year’s that my resolution is to make a quadruple chin, and provide this follow-up soon after: 

Peak humor for me is posting ugly pictures of myself. (It translated well at the time.)

I go on spring break and post a picture on Instagram. It is painfully obvious that I have edited my breasts to be larger than they are because there is blurry distortion in that region of the photo. My best friend from middle school texts me, asking if I had edited my breasts, citing the aforementioned blurry distortion. I reply that I edited them smaller because they looked “too big.” This is an obvious lie. After spring break, the guys in my grade look at me more. Awesome. 

I make Instagram posts for all my friends’ birthdays even if I am not genuinely friends with them. I look really good in the posts. I go into Kylie Jenner’s comment sections, spam-liking accounts who commented “L4L” and “Like for like.” My posts get more likes now. 

I become slightly less pathetic in late high school. 

I’m in my first year of college. I have stopped tweeting completely for several years now. I am, however, a master retweeter. A lot of people like my retweets. I have a great sense of humor. That’s good. 

I change my Instagram account from private to public. I put a purple-ish blue-ish filter over all my Instagram posts. Even though it looks forced. I must have a cohesive aesthetic. At one of LA’s most pretentious brunch spots I ask one of my sorority sisters, who is known as the social media maestro of our chapter, to provide her opinion on my feed. She says it’s nice, but too coordinated. 

In my second year of college, I stop putting the purple-ish blue-ish filter on all my Instagram posts. I become a master of Facetune. I write an op-ed for my school’s fashion blog about the façade of Instagram, using my old purple-ish blue-ish filter craze as a case study. Everyone loves it. I’m so real. I post alt-rock songs on my Instagram story. I’m so cool. I make sure to still post silly goofy pictures of myself, so people know I don’t take myself too seriously. This is so important. I post videos of myself singing. I’m so good.  

I make the decision to start tweeting again. I’m still funny. My first original tweet back is something like, “I can’t believe there were dudes named Justin walking around ancient rome.” I have a list of potential tweets in my notes app. Via my sister’s online shenanigans, I also enter the “MBTI personality test” side of Twitter. We all tweet about our personality types. I have the rarest one for girls, INTJ. We’re all obsessed with ourselves. Especially me. 

It’s the early Covid era. Everyone is insane – not just me. Covid does not have a large impact on my life, though, because I am already a hermit cooped up in my dad’s house living out my mid-college gap year. I’m still really good at Facetune. Everyone is posting embarrassing, highly filtered pictures on Instagram. Mine lean provocative. 

I’m still on Twitter. Except I’m not that funny anymore. I only Tweet about personality tests. When I’m not doing that, I’m posting very edited photos of myself. I’m feeling really ugly, but I’m having fun. 

(Everyone was digitally embarrassing at this time, so these statements ultimately don’t reveal much.) 

It’s late college. I’ve transferred. I’ve started over. So I archive every single picture I’ve ever posted on Instagram, except for a small yet mighty selection of highlights. For example, see below. I like this one because it looks like I live underground like a little mole rat. At the same time, my smirk is one of a pseudo-businessman wearing a burgundy velvet suit as he poses in promotional material for his online entrepreneurship course. I repost this to my story every year on my birthday. 

I post cooler songs on my Instagram story. I post classical music more because everyone needs to know that I have intelligentsia vibes. I post niche memes on my story so everyone knows I have a quirky, irreverent, absurdist yet smart sense of humor: 

Lest we forget. 

I post mysterious selfies on my Instagram feed, which is now on the private setting. I become adept with the latest face-editing app, FaceApp. It produces much subtler results. I look so beautiful. I am ashamed. I am unashamed. I draw the line at editing my body. I don’t do that anymore. I make it so no one, including me, can see how many likes my posts get. 

When I’m not torturing myself academically, I become halfheartedly hilarious on Twitter. For example, on April 21, 2022, I tweet: “Twelfth is such a freaky medieval ass word. How is it only 14% vowel.” I say half-heartedly because there is less thought involved. During this era, I conceptualized, wrote, and tweeted most of my posts from the toilet every morning while my Vyvanse was kicking in.

I start posting outfit videos on TikTok. Some of my posts get thousands of likes. In the comments, people note all the different celebrities that I look like. It’s so many celebrities. Everyone thinks I’m stunning. They comment “how do you look like this?” I’m not filtering my face in these videos, so that must mean they’re telling the truth. I’m ecstatic. 

Whenever I post a video that gets no likes, the embarrassment is so great that my stomach hurts and my heart pounds, and I delete it as quickly as possible.

Now it’s now. I turned 24 a few weeks ago. I’m in grad school. All my accounts are private. 

I don’t post on TikTok anymore.

I don’t edit my Instagram pictures anymore. I’m on my self-acceptance grind, I guess. And I post on my main feed a lot less. I still post on my story semi-frequently. It’s actually relatively normal stuff sometimes. I post my friend at a restaurant. I post cool nature pics. I still try to project my music taste onto everyone, but much less frequently, and much more genuinely. I post oddball, no context content sometimes, just to keep the masses on edge. Almost like I’m taunting the app. I post selfies that I do not edit. 

I tweet whatever comes to my mind, the second it comes to my mind. Even if it’s just a phrase, like “lowkey herbaceous.” Sometimes my brain is good enough to generate a fully formed tweet, such as “Running to class with Pristiq and Vyvanse rattling around my backpack like maracas.” I receive far fewer likes. I no longer care. 

But maybe I do. Because my pinned tweet reads “I tweet to lose followers, not to gain them. That is why I am so powerful. Love you.” No secure person would feel the need to make a disclaimer for why their tweets get no likes. And how evolved can I possibly be if just last month, upon listening to a cool song by Death Grips, my first instinct was to post the song on my story because I wanted people to know I listened to Death Grips? Even though I don’t. That was the first song by them I’d ever heard. I soon came to my senses and decided not to post the song. But the instinct remained. 

Generally, I feel like I’ve been more authentic these days, but I also feel like I am probably still projecting some exaggerated caricature of myself online: either so I can assert my uniqueness for others to admire, or so I can claim the potentially annoying or unsavory parts of my personality to take the power away from people who might make fun of me. Prob both. 

Either way, I’ve come to understand something: social media is a mode of self-realization. Social media only exists because people (me) want to be seen by other people. Every post is a projection of identity. For this reason, social media continuously forces me to reckon with who I am and who I’m not, and how that all aligns with how I showcase myself and how I want people to see me. (I don’t know about “continuously,” actually. I don’t think I was intensely interrogating any of my moral virtues during my botched Facetune era. But I am now. And that’s what matters.) 

All this rich introspection has helped me figure out just how important authenticity is to me, and how important it should be to others. (As we know, duplicity and falsity are not exactly celebrated by society, and for a good reason.) 

Parsing the authenticity levels of my online behavior has also helped me figure out who I am. And that’s something that everyone wants, right? To know who they are? 

Categories
Disciplinary Intersections Journal

Art Alongside Anatomy: How Integrating Visual Art into Medical Education Makes Better Physicians

We would all be better off if medical students spent more time in art galleries and studios.

Evidence and anecdotes make clear an urgent need for better patient care. According to this study of 118 doctors across the U.S., only 31% of surveyed physicians correctly diagnosed four case studies—while rating their confidence of accuracy at an average of 6.8 out of 10. Within the process of diagnosis, physical examinations play a fundamental role. However, physical exams are often rife with errors and misperceptions, leading to a slew of potentially disastrous consequences for the patient: inaccurate or delayed diagnosis, improper or no treatment, unnecessary testing (and expenses), and complications.

While an effective physical exam involves touching, listening, and measuring vitals, looking is irrefutably an essential component of the practice. This study from the University of Washington School of Medicine finds that only about a quarter of selected doctors could locate and identify physical symptoms related to HIV; in the three cases, the percentages of physicians who correctly diagnosed the abnormalities were 25.8%, 22.7%, and 17%. As these results suggest, visual observation is a crucial but underdeveloped skill in medicine.

This lack of competency in visual observation seems to stem from gaps in the medical school curriculum. Medical school foregrounds scientific knowledge but neglects to teach the foundational skill of close observation. As the introduction of this paper, which reports the results of a partnership between Weill Cornell Medical College and the Frick Collection, explains, “Courses in physical diagnosis teach the students to recognize normal and abnormal findings, especially the cardinal signs and symptoms of disease, but do not emphasize the actual skill of careful looking in itself. Looking is often assumed.” For the sake of patient care, it’s time to stop assuming.

Enter the visual arts. Looking at art is a slow, deliberate process of observation and reflection to form a well-founded conclusion or interpretation. Creating art requires meticulous attention to and consideration of your subject (whether tangible or conceptual) before ever making the first mark. In my years studying art before and during college, I learned how to see more thoroughly than before, and to perceive details others do not. Deliberate looking is the crux of the visual arts—and it is precisely the skill that many of our doctors are lacking.

Although science and the arts are frequently portrayed as mortal enemies, I am far from the first to believe they can be successfully married. The idea that engaging with various subject areas can foster empathy, critical thinking, and the ability to make sense of complex, nuanced topics is fundamental to any defense of the liberal arts. I attended a liberal arts college that emphasized the value of interdisciplinarity; while I studied color theory in painting class, I was writing lab reports about the visible light spectrum for physics class. Although my 9:30 AM physics lectures hardly inspired me to leap out of bed, they did provide me with an alternate, methodical perspective on a topic I thought I knew. Understanding the scientific bases of color and light allowed me to manipulate them in my work, and ultimately made me a more adept artist. In the same way, artistic practices help sharpen and develop medical skills.

But don’t just take my word for it. The Association of American Medical Colleges (AAMC), which administers the MCAT and of which every accredited American and Canadian medical school must be a member, has increasingly supported the integration of the arts and humanities into medical education. In their 2020 report, “The Fundamental Role of the Arts and Humanities in Medical Education,” the AAMC articulates the value of such curricular additions:

These [skills and competencies] include communication, teaming, adaptability, creativity, critical thinking, empathy, social advocacy, and resiliency. Human suffering and illness arise within complex contexts, and a physician’s ability to practice may be well served by exploration, construction of new ways of thinking, or even discovery of new questions or problems…Learner participation in integrative arts and humanities curricula may allow for deconstruction of silos of specialization…Being a doctor requires continuous learning, unlearning, and relearning and being able to formulate good questions, put disparate concepts together, and innovate.

It’s not just artists that want medical students to be exposed to the arts—it’s doctors too.

Over the past several decades, arts-based courses have been implemented into more and more medical school programs. Among the visual arts integration efforts that have been studied, the results are promising, especially in terms of improving visual analysis skills. A common way medical schools add art to the curriculum is through partnerships with nearby art museums or galleries. In one example, Harvard Dental and Medical School students were guided through careful observations of various artworks at the Boston Museum of Fine Art. A museum professional selected art that reflected medical themes and led the sessions. By the conclusion of the eight-week class, the students exhibited more sophisticated visual analysis skills between the pre- and post-course tests, while the control group’s abilities remained the same.

In a similar study, students at Weill Cornell Medical College analyzed pictures of patients, then turned to portraits displayed within the Frick Collection. Over the course of three sessions, students practiced their skills of “careful looking” and, by the end, demonstrated an increased observational maturity. The authors suggest students even gained insight into the individual humanity of the people whose faces they were examining.

A review of the literature surrounding the incorporation of visual arts courses into medical curricula affirms there is significant evidence such classes improve students’ observational capabilities—a potentially vital step towards increasing the efficacy of physical examinations. However, the doctors and museum professionals who authored this review are wary of whether other alleged benefits, such as increased empathy and a greater appreciation for diverse perspectives, can be substantiated. There is a lack of rigorous studies testing the validity of these claims, and these “soft” and interpersonal skills can be difficult to quantify. That being said, the development of important humanistic skills in visual arts-integrated medical courses has not been disproved. Instead, the lack of evidence indicates a need to devote more attention to implementing and evaluating such programs. In this article, professors from the University of Michigan Medical School delineate some standardized metrics that could be useful to measure the effectiveness of arts-focused medical coursework. Until more concrete assessments are conducted, we will have to rely on anecdotal evidence to explore more expansive advantages of the visual arts in medical education.

One such purported benefit is the ability to navigate situations that lack one clear explanation or solution. In a post from the AAMC’s blog, Adam Rizzo, a museum educator who works with medical students, expresses the value of encouraging medical students to engage with art: “By taking medical students out of their comfort zone and bringing them into the new context of the museum, students are faced with the challenge of interpreting artworks and artifacts that aren’t easily understood…Part of our job is to remind them that there isn’t always a right answer or even one answer. Art is a great way to explore that concept.” In other words, art can help students who are used to objectivity contend with subjectivity. Given that physicians are prone to extreme overconfidence, sitting with uncertainty could be a fruitful exercise in humility and adaptability.

Students who participated in Rizzo’s course reported they were able to better listen to and understand multiple viewpoints after guided group discussions in the museum. In another program, medical students at the University of Southern California’s Keck School of Medicine contemplated abstract contemporary art in Los Angeles’ Museum of Contemporary Art. In doing so, they learned to wrestle with complexities and nuance: “Students were able not only to apply their observational and interpretive skills in a safe, nonclinical setting but also to accept the facts that ambiguity is inherent to art, life, and clinical experience and that there can be more than one answer to many questions.” In our often discordant culture, physicians need to be able to sit with views that do not line up with their own.

The visual arts can not only help doctors take better care of their patients, but also of themselves. Alongside the COVID-19 pandemic, rates of physician fatigue and mental health issues surged; in 2021, 62.8% of doctors reported experiencing burnout. But this stress and exhaustion begins long before reaching M.D. status. This 2013 review, which looked at over three decades of relevant literature across PubMed/Medline and PsychInfo, estimates that half of U.S. medical students experience burnout at some point during their medical education. If medical students’ mental health has followed the trends of physicians and high school students, these statistics have likely only worsened in recent years. Amidst the rigor and expectations of medical school, it is essential to remember students are people, not just doctors-in-training.

Liselotte Dyrbye, a doctor whose work concerns physician well-being, says, “[Medical schools] play an enormous role in addressing [student burnout] … but teaching students self-care strategies can’t be the entire message…The institution also has to do the right thing and step up to create an environment where students can thrive and be challenged and learn.” Supporting medical students can take myriad forms, from taking a serious look at competitive school cultures to offering increased mental health services—and, of course, implementing arts-based courses into the curriculum.

The visual arts create space for personal enjoyment and relaxation within a demanding and draining environment, while still imparting crucial clinical skills. In one study conducted in the UK, a group of medical students at Norwich Medical School at the University of East Anglia elected to take a ten-week life drawing course with an anatomical emphasis. At the end of the class, the students gave overwhelmingly positive feedback and felt they had improved both their drawing skills and understanding of anatomy. In the post-course survey, the participants repeatedly mentioned their enjoyment of the course. Additionally, drawing helped them decompress from their other medical coursework. The authors of this paper assert the potential of visual arts-based courses like this to combat student burnout. By offering arts-integrated classes in their curriculum, medical schools can take a concrete step towards shifting the status quo into one that prioritizes the humanity and well-being of their students.

It may seem strange and unexpected to look to the arts to bolster medicine. But that is precisely why we must—if the entrenched systems are not functioning as they should, should we not utilize new and unfamiliar strategies? Visual art allows medical students to keep building the skills necessary for their career, while taking a break from intense scientific lectures. Observing and creating art teaches students to look more deeply, to recognize the simultaneous validity of multiple perspectives, and to relax. Patients, physicians, and medical students are needlessly suffering—and the beginning of a solution may be as simple as walking into an art gallery or flipping open a sketchbook.

Categories
Arts and Aesthetics Journal

The Wax Room and Its Watchers

photo from https://www.phillipscollection.org/collection/laib-wax-room

“Control? Code 3 – Wax Room.” 

Code 3 is code for an artwork emergency. Wax Room is a closet-sized room lined with about 400 lbs. of beeswax inside the Phillips Collection in Washington, DC. “Code 3 – Wax Room” might conjure an image of wax melting from the walls, mold building a film on top of layers of dust adhered to the walls, or a climate activist with their hands superglued to the wax. These would all be incorrect guesses. 

In 2013, Wolfgang Laib cast Wohin Bist Du Gegangen – Wohin Gehst Du? (Where Have You Gone – Where Are You Going?) into the walls of the Phillips Collection. Laib, a German conceptual “new-age” artist, designed the room as a continuation of the Phillips’ Rothko Room, an installation that forces visitors into a state of “mental suspension.” The room is the first site-specific exhibit installed at the Phillips since the Rothko Room, and it is meant to carry the spiritual weight of non-Western meditative spaces and Western historical-conceptual art ideology.  It exists at the halfway point between spiritual health, canonical art historical thinking. For artists and art historians, the Wax Room represents a canonical theme of manmade meditative spaces in which viewers can share experiences, inhabit far reaches of their minds, and undergo social and spiritual change.

For the museum’s patrons, the Wax Room is a place of mischief, a place where on any given day they may go to get married, scream at the top of their lungs, or carve names into a priceless piece of art. 

And thus, for the Museum Assistants who watch over it, the Wax Room is a constant source of Code 3s.

I was a Museum Assistant at the Phillips Collection for a year. Standing in gallery after gallery in my black polo, embossed with a rainbow Phillips100 logo, I repeated my three-word mantra: “Please step back.” Fresh out of college, I was itching to use my Art History B.A. and show off a little. I loved to share the history of the museum, the story of the son of a rich industrialist who gave his all to build “America’s first museum of modern art.” It was a treat to be seen as I recited the history of the museum and its people. 

I was often at the Wax Room. Each time I was stationed in front of the closet, visitors approached me with looks of bewilderment, their hands slightly outstretched, ready to touch the walls, and asked, “What is this?” Each time, I jumped into my rehearsed script: “This is the Wax Room by Wolfgang Laib…it’s meant to emulate our Rothko Room… It is covered with 428 lbs. of wax … Please don’t touch the walls … Please step back.”

 I would watch the visitor enter the room, sniff, and look at me. I’d heard stories of the weird things that took place there. The room with yellow walls that look uncannily like Swiss cheese has a Loch Ness Monster vibe. Most days it’s just a smelly closet with cakey walls, a creepy light bulb hanging from the ceiling, and a cold wet-looking concrete floor. But there’s always a chance you’ll catch a Code 3. 

One day, two months into my tour of duty as an MA, I witnessed my first Wax Room Code 3. 

Four teens. One room. Lots of wax. Looking innocent enough, they walked up to me chatting and laughing. Per the conservator’s guideline, I told them to enter the room two at a time, and I watched as they took turns gawking at the walls. I knew to keep my eye on them—you can never fully trust teens—but I was distracted for a few seconds by an interesting conversation about the Gucci Spring 2021 collection among a couple of other patrons. After a few minutes of eavesdropping, I looked back and noticed that all four teens were huddled in the room, three of them filming a TikTok, as one of them stuck her tongue out and licked the dusty, earthy, slightly hydrophobic wall. 

“YOU CAN’T TOUCH THE WALLS!” The teens looked at me slightly confused and responded with a clear statement of denial as if I’d believe them. They hastily left as I pressed my finger to my radio and said “Code 3 – Wax Room.” 

My story of the licking TikTok teens became part of the lore of the wax room. 

Isabel – The Man with No Family

Isabel is a caring friend, a former educator, and a soon-to-be graduate student at the University of London. She also looks great in purple, a color she defiantly wears as she supervises the halls of the Phillips as a Security Supervisor and former MA. We all hate the black polo. 

When I reached out to Isabel about this piece she talked about how the room can mesmerize unsuspecting patrons. She told of how people who go into the room sometimes become almost lost and melancholy. 

One afternoon she was covering a break at the Wax Room, and a father, his wife, and their two older teen sons walked up to the installation. The wife and kids walked past the room, seemingly uninterested, but the father stopped and went inside. Once there, he began talking about leeches. The man then looked Isabel in the eye, and, with little inflection in his voice, said, “Never have a family.” 

It’s as if the man’s discomfort was magnified by the discomfort of the space. His comment echoed the many others likening  the Wax Room to a serial killer’s murder closet. They are oddly dark and isolated, much like the room they reference. 

With this in mind, I asked Isabel what she thought of the room and whether she thought the room was dark, or if it inspired dark thoughts. In her words: 

I very much enjoy the wax room. Not because I like the concept. I think it’s a tad far-fetched to connect it to the Rothko Room. No, I enjoy everyone’s visceral reaction to it. Not one person has had a neutral reaction and honestly people’s general disdain for it makes the long hours and cloying sweetness of the room bearable. In my head, I like to imagine that there are wicks hidden in the wax room, and one day, when the Phillips decides they want to close their doors for the last time, the wicks will be lit and the entire Wax Room will burn. I like the impermanence of art, and thinking of it as a performance piece makes it more interesting to me. 

Isabel’s reaction to this question makes me think it was destiny that she crossed paths with this man and his unhappy family. 

Isabel’s understanding of art and her understanding of people allows her the chance to consider weirdness as a symptom of being. For me, my TikTok-ing teen encounter was isolating and belittling; for Isabel, her annoyed dad encounter was a look into the hidden intricacies of art and public spaces. Talking to Isabel reminded me that art is more than the way I see it, and people are more than their words and interactions. It reminded me that being an MA allows us more freedom than we think; it allows us the time to think and consider our thoughts and our fantasies for what’s next. 

Sydney – The Scream, Wax Room Edition 

My friend Sydney is a funny, kind, and dedicated person. With a master’s degree in Museum Studies from George Washington University, Sydney is trained to see what most people in museums cannot. She focused her studies on collections management and has told me many times, stars in her eyes, about her love of history and material culture. 

That being said, modern art is not her thing. Like me, she notices the irony of this as she has spent three years of her life at the Phillips, America’s First Museum of Modern Art. While I chose Sydney as a subject for this story due to her museum studies and collections background, it is this discomfort with modern art that makes her a particularly interesting subject for this project. 

Her story is weird. Weirder than Isabel’s, which is saying something. Sydney described the day as an ordinary one. She was covering the Wax Room as a break-guard, the best assignment because of the extra 45-minute break right before closing. Her hour there was almost finished when a guy went inside the room. He looked back at her with a “demon-like look” and told her the room had weird acoustics. She responded, “Yeah… it does.” Turning around, he screamed at the top of his lungs like he was being murdered. And then said, “Yeah, you were right.”

I remember this day. I heard the scream. It echoed through three stories of a dozen galleries. 

After bouncing ideas back and forth and wondering why a man decided to drop all sense of decorum and scream his head off in a museum (drugs, genuine curiosity about sound quality, or another TikTok prank?), we decided this was unknowable. The Wax Room makes people do crazy things. 

I asked Sydney whether she thought there was anything about art that fuels the weirdness of the Wax Room. She took a long time to think, and answered:

Sometimes when I look into The Wax Room I do question what’s considered art. This is coming from a person who is not hugely into modern art, so something like the wax room, which is so different, makes me think about how we define art. Going through this question by question: as far as how I feel when I am watching it, it’s always a weird feeling like I am missing something. There is a feeling there that there is a deeper meaning or feeling I should be having but it’s like having a word you can’t think of on the tip of your tongue and not being able to come up with it.

Art history conversations usually end in a conclusion, and if not a conclusion then a well-informed argument. Even though we live in a world of gray, we tend to see things as black and white. “This is what you are and aren’t supposed to feel.” Hearing Sydney’s answer, I can tell she is battling this pressure, feeling nothing. Interpreting her words, I feel as if she is making a brave point: art doesn’t always move. Sometimes it’s just weird. 

Giving credit to Wolfgang Laib, The Wax Room moves people. Sydney’s feeling of missing something is an interaction with the work of art, and one as important as the primal scream story. I can’t help but wonder if her feeling of discomfort comes from the reality of being an MA. After years of watching it rot, has she become desensitized to the Wax Room’s will? Is it just peer pressure? 

At the risk of sounding too theoretical, Sydney’s story reminds me that all artistic interaction is weird because art is weird, numbing, and subjective. The same smelly closet that inspired a man to scream leaves Sydney feeling like she’s missing something. 

MA #3 – Four Wax Walls and a Weird Wedding

The last story I am going to tell you is the strangest one yet. Based on the heading, I hope you are hearing wedding bells. Imagine instead the agitated beeps of a dozen walkie-talkies. 

I heard this story from my friend Taylor, who heard it from his friend Nicole, who heard it from… I don’t know the origin. I’m not sure any of us know who served as a witness for this story. But what they witnessed has become legendary among the MAs at the Phillips Collection. In the same way the curators tell my licking story, we tell the story of the wedding to each other. I’m sure many of us tell it to visitors during our Wax Room docent moments–I know I have. 

The wedding took place right after the Wax Room opened. One day, a group of three, two men and a woman, came into the museum. According to Nicole, it was winter. According to Taylor, it was summer. Either way, the group went straight to the Wax Room. According to Taylor and Nicole, the MA welcomed them, and one of the men and the woman went into the room and clasped hands. With a peering MA standing over them, the couple sped through vows, were pronounced man and wife, and fled. 

To my knowledge, this story was not captured on video, but I can only imagine what it looked like, let alone what it smelled like back before the beeswax scent faded into the museum’s aged walls and was still pungent. 

The mythologization of this story fascinates me because it is infused with the identity of the teller but also so removed from it. You can picture the MA here, standing with them in the moment of matrimony, but the story also excludes their presence. Just as easily as you can stand with the MA, you can ignore them. This story is told as if it were a scene in a rom-com: 

They ran into a taxi moments after they were reunited at Regan airport, rushed to their first meeting place, the Wax Room, and got married right on the spot!

At the same time, this MA is infamous. If not in name than in experience. This story gives a little bit of humor, respite, and even hope to a group of people who very often feel marginalized in the museum world. 

The Wax Room and Its Watchers

The stories of the Wax Room speak to a hidden culture of experiences in museum spaces. There are so many more stories like the ones I’ve shared that are all around strange and completely unexplainable. The room’s mystique drives patrons to the fringes of their personalities and inhibitions. It pushes you into “mental suspension.” If you want to get technical, it pushes the separation of your ego and your id, forcing you to scream when all you want to do is be silent. Art compels us towards interaction, both internal and external.

Dozens of patrons interact with the Wax Room everyday, their compulsions ranging from silent to explosive. But, the patrons aren’t the only ones compelled to interact with the yellow walls. And the Wax Room isn’t the only thing deserving of interaction in that narrow hallway. Bringing back the voices of the Museum Assistants who witness the stories that have come to define the Wax Room gives us the chance to appreciate the universal and experiential nature of art. 

The next time you go to the Phillips Collection, stop by the Wax Room and go inside. Do whatever your heart feels you should. Just don’t touch the walls. And, before you go, say thank you, hello, or even better share your thoughts with the Museum Assistant watching you. After all, they are the ones making you famous if you decide to lick the walls.

If you’d like to share your story or compliment the MA who made it happen, contact the Phillips Collection educational and visitor services team at their main line, (202) 387-2151.

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Let’s Work on Group Work

There is a reason why most people dread hearing “So we will be doing group projects”. Maybe it is from historical tendencies of groups falling apart. Of the potential false niceties when there is tension or disagreements. Or inability to divide and fulfill group work.  

Truth is, most of us have not been successfully taught how to be in groups. Oftentimes, it is the instructor calling out randomized groups and then sharing what the end goal should be. Maybe everyone gets a separate grade based off of individual work, or a lump sum grade no matter what. 

But there is a reason why we hate group work – no one has taught us how to officially do it! And although the creation of this website that you see has been a successful group project, it was not free of small disagreements, awkwardness, and unequal divisions of labor. And that won’t change across the board for whatever groups we work in – especially as we embark into our careers. Yet, we still need to be aware of the work it takes to effectively communicate in the beginning and advocate for such conversations to be included in the coursework. 

There are whole majors and fields dedicated to such conversations. They are even here at Georgetown via the Conflict Resolutions, Project Management, Linguistics Master’s programs. 

So naturally, we should not be surprised that we aren’t masters at group work if we have not actually done any training on it! And that is okay – being aware is the first step into being better. 

Half of any group project will be the technicalities of the legitimate project, and the other half will be navigating the group. The latter is rarely ever considered a part of the grade or the success, but without it, the entire project suffers. 

So my reflection this semester in our ability to navigate this space together is this: we did an amazing job getting this whole website off the ground and should applaud ourselves for this. Sincerely, our previous semester’s work in bonding as a cohort has helped us. But not every space will have this, so I wish for our due diligence in learning more about how we can be better public humanists by learning the technicalities of working together. 

And if anyone is reading this and residing in Washington, D.C. – go check out Solid State Books. They are an independent bookstore and cafe, and if you go all the way to the back of the store, you can find some amazing books about group cohesion, boundary setting, leadership models, and all of that jazz. All of this is worth the read.

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The Secret to Grant Writing

Let’s be real: Grant writing is more than just being able to write. It’s being able to follow instructions and to creatively, within reason, demonstrate why certain projects deserve, require, or should obtain certain funding. 

Have I ever written a grant? Nope, my fellow reader, I have not. But I have overseen similar processes for funding allocations, specifically for 1.2 million dollars. 

So let’s digress a little bit, for good reason. 

During my last two years in undergrad, I was president and financial advisor for student government which oversaw a 1.2 million dollar budget. Every March would roll around, and we would start the infamous budget allocation process. This process would determine which organizations would receive funding and for what projects for the next fiscal year. Some of these organizations would ask for $200, others would ask for $450,000. Normally, we would have a total ask of 3.3 million. 

 For months before the commencement of this process, we would share with the general assembly composed of student senators and student organization representatives, what parameters and guidelines would be used for the budget process. For the time period of submissions, we would host office hours, open workshops with food, Q&As – anything to help these organizations fill out these forms. 

Maybe a total of 5 organizations would show up out of the 145 organizations. 

Then the day of the deadline would roll around. We would hold our last office hours, generously until 11:59 p.m., and the influx of panicked emails and visits would happen. We would do our best to help them, but there’s not much you can do to rewrite a whole proposal ten minutes before the deadline. 

Budget committee would then assemble and for the duration of two weeks, go through Every. Single. Proposal. Three times. And how did we find ways to cut money? When proposals cut into our time. A cut for going over the page limit. Another for incorrect file type. Another for not following the proper order. Another for putting incorrect requests in the wrong areas. 

And some of these events would have been amazing. But how do you ignore the multiple errors of a proposal that could have easily been fixed just to help out that project when another group followed everything to the T? What could this also say about how they would handle the funding in the end? 

And I doubt these questions differ vastly from what our grant committees think of when they read through our future grant applications. 

So if we want to make this easier for ourselves: ask for help. 

There is no secret to successful grant writing. There is no secret spell, promo code, hidden words, or concealed process. And honestly, that is the beauty of it. 

Everyone gets (as much as we can figure out at the time) an equal shot. And yes, it can be annoying, time consuming, agitating even. 

But if that’s what it takes, so be it. 

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On Paper or Out Loud?

Throughout my various jobs and graduate schooling, I have produced a lot of writing. Topics ranged from a grant proposal for collecting oral histories from voters with disabilities to a paper on why an incumbent congressman lost his reelection campaign in 2022. When trying to complete our recent creative nonfiction project, a hole in my writing resume became apparent: I never write about myself. 

I initially struggled with the project. I started and restarted the paper to no avail. I knew what I wanted to talk about; my struggle for a hobby and the hobbies other people picked up during the pandemic, but I couldn’t figure out where to begin. Eventually, after chatting with a classmate, the way I viewed the project shifted. I asked myself, if I was having a conversation with someone about the topic, instead of writing an academic paper, how would I go about it? The words started flowing then, and I decided to do a podcast instead of a paper. This way, I could tell my story of finally finding crochet during the pandemic with personality and zest and include an interview with my mom about crochet, as she is the one who taught me. 

Reading my story out loud has offered a host of other challenges. Such as the mouth noises I make when I speak, or trying to figure out how to provide quality recordings; however, overall making and recording a podcast has made writing and talking about myself more enjoyable. It feels like I’m sharing a neat story with a friend and not like I am divulging personal details about myself that I normally keep close to my heart. It may sound cheesy, as podcasts have exploded in popularity in recent years, but I highly recommend everyone try making a podcast episode at some point in their lives. It’ll not only capture a moment in time but also might change the way you tell stories.

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It’s Personal Because It’s Family

Our second big writing project this semester was a personal essay. Luckily, I’ve been practicing this genre a bit in another class, otherwise the assignment likely would’ve felt overwhelmingly broad and un-academic. What am I arguing? And is my evidence just…me? I’ve journaled a fair amount throughout my life (mostly about supremely embarrassing things) so I have some practice putting internal thoughts and personal experiences onto paper, but what does it look like to use the personal in an essay—the purpose of which is to make some sort of point rather than to just help me process or remember? 

My chosen theme for this semester is crafting—how it’s used by different people, what’s it good for, why did so many of us turn to it during waves of lockdown? Ok, so my piece will need to be something personal of/from/to me and it will have to be craft related. I’m a moderately crafty person, but I wasn’t finding anything I’d be excited to write about until I thought about sewing in particular, the many projects I’ve watched my mom do over the years, and the stories she’s told me about her big sister teaching her. In a flurry of associations, I thought of all the craft-related things I know about my aunt—and significantly, how that’s most of what I know about her. Susie died before I was born, but through the skills she taught my mom and the physical objects she made and we’ve kept, I’ve been able to get a sense of the kind of person she was. 

We had a series of brainstorming exercises to do in class to help us come up with ideas for this project, and in that moment I had such a clear list of stories and an emotional resonance that I knew I was ready to go. I called my mom later to get a refresher on a few timeline points and to get some quotes about Susie, which doubled as a sweet moment of connecting with her about her sister. Writing this piece, I felt the duty of telling the story well as an expression of care and love. And focusing on other members of my family helped it be personal but not solely built on what’s going on in my head. I hope I was able to meet the brief and give a different sort of argument for the importance of crafts—but even more so I hope I was able to capture a piece of my family history beautifully and truthfully.

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Just Allergies

It’s just allergies, I think to myself on my walk to work, making my way to the campus of a law school in the downtown core of the city. The mighty blooming gingko trees outside our small rowhouse had covered our entire street in a thick, olive-green dust, which certainly was the reason behind my running nose and watering eyes. Oh, how I envy people who can simply exist during the spring without the assistance of Zyrtec and Flonase. 

Droplets begin to pour from my eyes as I reach the halfway point of my morning commute. Surely these tears weren’t for the six innocent lives lost at an elementary school yesterday in Tennessee, right? That feels so far from my reality as I trudge onward in the rising morning humidity. I justify my thoughts, thinking of how I live far away from rural Tennessee, and how I don’t even have kids. It’s just allergies, I reiterate as the last of my mascara is rubbed onto the back of my hand.

I wipe my nose as I continue on, catching glimpses of the beautiful spring tulips and daffodils popping up between buildings, their brightly colored petals mocking my discomfort. Surely these cheerful flowers, exuding pollen with every slight gust of wind, were the true culprits. They were the cause of my tears last May too, right? It couldn’t have been the eighteen-year-old who decided to ravage the elementary school in Uvalde, Texas. Curse you, ragweed.

I reach my workplace with a sigh of relief. As I enter the office building and begin climbing the stairs to the fifth floor, my floral enemies vanish instantly. Yet, my tears remain, steady as a flowing river. 

Perhaps, these tears are trickling out because of something more than just allergies. Perhaps, it is for the countless lives lost to gun violence, and the fear of that one day becoming my own reality. Much like my invisible allergens, I think I have had enough. Perhaps my tears are for a little more than just allergies.

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Let me ramble.

As my sister once aptly observed, everyone in my family has a grasp on the art of the personal essay. I don’t think she meant that we can all whip out a perfectly written piece of creative nonfiction at the drop of a hat—although maybe my dad could; he used to be an English teacher. My mom probably could too. She’s a tormented genius. I think my sister just meant that we like to reflect on our own personal experiences, a lot. We’re probably all obsessed with ourselves. And, we all have a flare for writing. Put those together, and you have an environment ripe for personal essay creation. So, I guess you could say that writing about myself comes naturally. It’s genetic. I also genuinely enjoy doing it. Especially in school. It’s fun to insert my personal life into my academic life. I justify my enjoyment by reminding myself that many scholars do the same by researching topics that speak to their personal interests, even if they never use ‘me’ or ‘I’ in their work. They dedicate years of their lives to these me-search projects. That’s what I did for my undergrad history thesis, at least. I found a gap in the scholarship about gender, society, and England’s most famous opera. I explored this very niche area because I wanted to write about women’s issues, opera, and England. I’m obsessed with all three. Plus, I have personal connections to all three: I’m a woman, I sang opera, and 23andMe told me I’m 43% English. Maybe, I’m just so obsessed with myself that I couldn’t imagine spending such a long time on something that had nothing to do with me. Which leads me to another reason why I love writing about myself—it lets me explore my murky, possibly negative personality traits and really face them. For example, I chose to focus on my own vanity and its relation to my social media use for this week’s personal essay assignment. How fun!

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